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 Summer’s flying by, but there are plenty of picnics, cookouts and family reunions still ahead – complete with overturned plates of burgers and beans, colorful spilled drinks and condiments, and mini-moguls of post-meal trash.
Here are some Clean Like a Man tips for making faster, easier work of the outdoor events:
• Dads can assign each of the kids a job for either the prep or pickup part of the meal. One can bring out all the plates of meat destined for the BBQ, another can keep the cooler stocked, and several can fill garbage bags with debris before heading home.
• University of California-Riverside researchers say dads who help out with housekeeping are good role models for their kids – the children not only learn teamwork and responsibility, they do better in school and have more friends.
• To save garbage bags and be “green” too, re-use dry cleaner bags for trash. Just double them up for strength, tie them off at the bottom, and fill ‘em up.
• Another trash-saving idea? Freeze a two-liter bottle of water and use as an ice-pack in the cooler.
• The “barbie” at home was Sunday, but “garbie” pick-up isn’t ‘til Friday? Seal trash tightly in plastic bags, then toss them into the trashcan with a few cups of cat litter, which cuts odors.
• At 48×54”, Crypton Throvers make ideal outdoor tablecloths or picnic ground-cloths because they’re virtually impervious to moisture and stains – even tough ones like ketchup and mustard.
I hope these tips help you and your family enjoy “the best of the rest” of summer!
 A lesson in linguistics: Any sentence that contains the words “men” and “shopping” will almost never include the word “love.” Instead, you’re much more likely to spot words like “irritating,” “boring,” “aggravating,” and “what the hell am I doing here?”
Yes, it goes against a guy’s grain to spend even a minute longer than necessary in any store, except maybe for Sports Authority, Golfsmith or Home Depot. Women, on the other hand, can completely lose track of time while they’re browsing around their little slice of retail heaven.
Husbands and wives shopping together? That can be a bad idea. Real bad.
Hunters vs. Gatherers
Both of these attitudes can be traced back to our male/female, hunter/gatherer roots. The cave guys would get together and say, “Let’s get us a wooly mammoth.” Then they’d go out with that single goal on their minds, very focused. Even in 2010, men usually know exactly what they need at the store. They go in and get it, then they return to their mancaves quickly to watch ball games.
The cave girls would say, “Let’s scan the ground for nuts, berries, legumes and shiny objects.” Today, women still love to browse, looking for many things (cereal, dresses, jewelry, etc.) in a large territory (say, a mall).
Women tend to view shopping in general and bargain-hunting in particular as a “leisure pursuit.” The reason why is a mystery to men. So when a husband and wife go shopping together, we’re likely to have a cobra-mongoose situation on our hands.
Check out the research on this!
One study done by actual sociologists (in England no less, which automatically adds to their cred) suggests that men and women should shop together for a maximum time that averaged out to one hour and 12 minutes; sooner or later, the men suddenly crack and realize they no longer want to be there. Women, however, are just hitting their stride. The study says they want to shop for another 30 minutes, so an argument ensues. The study advises couples to split up and shop on their own before hitting the 1:12 mark (or personal breaking points, whichever comes first) in order to avoid the inevitable “row,” as the Brits call it.
“Contrasting styles of shopping demonstrate that for many couples, a shopping trip is a recipe for disaster,” says Dr. Tim Denison of Exeter University, which conducted the study.
Some possible solutions
We here at C.L.A.M. have a couple of thoughts. One suggestion: even after you fellows start getting restless and irritated – it will take some of you much less than an hour – you should suck it up, act cheerful and enthusiastic through the extra half-hour your wife will want to shop, and enjoy a nice, positive experience together. Otherwise it will almost certainly end with an argument.
Another option: shop together for 45 minutes, then take a 15-minute coffee break together. This keeps expectations manageable and emotions in check. Plus, your shared goals and schedule will make it seem like more of a team effort – and bonding with your spouse is never a bad idea.
You could also get creative and come up with a customized solution – something that works great for both of you.
Regardless of how your shopping adventure ends, though, she’s sure to remember it for better or for worse (where have we heard that phrase before?)…and depending on which, you’ll either pay the penalty or reap the reward.
 As a news junkie, I’d read myself to sleep each night with Time, Newsweek, Harper’s, National Review, and the daily newspaper. But over the years, I developed a case of insomnia that just got worse as time went on.
I decided it was all the upsetting wars, terrorists, famines, plagues, rancorous politics, oil spills, plane crashes, earthquakes, volcanoes, and bad movies I was reading about in those news sources. Absorbing such upsetting and hyper-opinionated material was probably preventing the 8 hours of sleep so important to our physical health and mental alertness.
Then about a month ago – as fate, luck, karma or whatever would have it – I purchased a snazzy new washer-dryer combo with every feature in the book, from a washer spin cycle that left clothing virtually dry (by achieving particle accelerator speed), to a dryer that played Mozart when the load was done.
Their instruction manuals were not as deadly-boring as a mutual fund prospectus, but still nowhere near as horrifying as stories about tsunamis and terrorist attacks. They’re just interesting enough to engage about 5% of my brain, which is perfect. I’ve been falling asleep much faster and more easily lately by avoiding all the bad things happening in the world and learning all the wonderful things happening inside that washer-dryer.
Hopefully this blog isn’t as boring as the instruction manuals are. But if it is, print it out and take it to bed tonight. It’s a blessing.
 There are entire books devoted to the topic of green cleaning, but I just want to share what I consider the most essential information on eco-friendly housekeeping.
That means I’ll boil it down to a few quick tips, for several reasons.
- You can use them right away, every day – and the sooner the better, both for the planet and for your own health.
- You really don’t need to read essays on chemistry, biology and environmental science, or get lectured about recycling, energy consumption and rainforest in peril. After all, Clean Like a Man is all about making housekeeping faster and easier, with very few frills and a lot of results.
Start at the store
There are three basic shopping lessons when you’re going to green up your housecleaning:
- Avoid products that come in needlessly-wasteful packages. Packaging is designed to catch your eye on the store shelves and sometimes to make the product itself look bigger. Many packages use unrecycleable material that just gets trashed, adding to the massive quantities of garbage that go into landfills and trash-burners every day.
- Steer clear of disposable cleaning products. Things you use once or twice and then toss include paper towels, wipes, dusters, mop-heads, toilet scrubbers, soap-infused dish sponges and more. Convenient, yeah…but they add to an already overloaded waste stream. Instead, get reusable supplies like sponges, mops, or my faves: worn-out cotton shirts, socks and hand towels…a.k.a. “rags.” Make sure they’re cotton – the most absorbent fabric for cleaning glass and dusting. Reusable sponges with a scrubby side will take care of almost everything else.
- Buy the largest quantity you can afford. For example, you’ll save money by purchasing a gallon of cleaning solution. Buying four quarts to get the same quantity means four different bottles (all of which you have to recycle or throw away), four trips to the store, and a bigger price tag.
- Check labels for non-toxic, natural formulas. There are more and more “green” housecleaning products hitting the market all the time. Brands include Clorox Green Works, Halo, Seventh Generation and Restore, to name a few.
In general, read labels and look for products with:
- Concentrated formulas.
- Natural, non-toxic ingredients.
- Efficient packaging (lightweight, reduced volume)
- Recyclable and recycled packaging.
- Refillable bottles.
- Pump sprays rather than aerosols.
 Life has lots of moving parts, and all of ‘em eat up the clock. But here’s how to create more “you-time”: for golf, watching ESPN, or simply being an immovable, Dorito-munching object waiting for the irresistible force of your wife’s honey-do list to hit.
Just ELIMINATE one, some, or all of these timesucking activities:
- Overworking. The more you do, the more the boss will give you.
- Watching network news. Go online and get just as much info in 5 minutes.
- Overjoining. You have golf league, fantasy football, softball games, poker night and more. Cut a few – your leisure time is killing you.
- Writing checks. Switch to online bill-pay and save at least an hour a month (plus postage).
- Watching real time TV. The DVR sets you free: whip through commercials, compress one-hour shows into 40 minutes, and watch everything on your schedule.
- Overcommitting. You’re just creating more deadlines for yourself.
- Opening junk mail. Obvious junk? Recycle or trash it.
- Overpacking. Just two of everything – shoes, pants, shirts, belts, etc. unless you’re going to Antarctica.
- Listlessness. Write a simple, daily “to-do” list and check off tasks one-by-one. You’ll accomplish more, faster.
 "Before" The garage is every guy’s ultimate man-cave – possibly the only place where you feel comfortable and confident about “housekeeping.” It’s such an important front in your spring cleaning offensive that the current Tips of the Season page is dedicated to instructions on spiffing it up fast.
The most “rad” and enlightening suggestions you’ll find are these:
- Park your car in the street, then take everything moveable out of the garage and put it into the driveway. This seems counter-intuitive until you get to #3 below.
- While your garage is empty, use a leaf blower to “sweep” it out, which should take all of 30 seconds.
- As you re-stow your stuff, you’ll discover a lot of items that had been buried and forgotten. These you can either toss or give away. The trimmed-down stuff that goes back in will be easier to organize.
I’d love to hear your suggestions on garage rehab, too. Send them in, buddy!
 I looked up “drop dead gorgeous” on Wikipedia today and this is what popped up. Obviously, women like these don’t just grow on trees. You know the kind. When they walk into a room, people weep at their beauty. Chiropractors grow rich as men SNAP their heads around when they pass on the street. Their parents constantly get thank-you notes from grateful guys.
So what does the woman of your dreams have to do with housekeeping? Well, my man, you may catch her eye with your BMW, impress her with your washboard abs and Ferragamo shoes, charm her with your witty banter, win her heart with candlelit dinners, and seal the deal with a big, fat diamond. But the key to keeping her for the long run is you – yes, you – pitching in on the housework.
Surveys show that over half of all couples fight about housekeeping. On top of that, university studies reveal that men who clean are more sexually attractive to their mates. Relationships improve when the guy contributes to a clean, uncluttered environment. Love is in the air, along with the scent of Lemon Pledge.
Bottom line: cleaning the house is easier than marriage counseling, and it’s MUCH cheaper than divorce.
 Owning fewer material possessions is really liberating. It means having less stuff to dust, maintain, move around, put gas into, store, pay monthly fees on, block your view, trip over, break, malfunction, wear out and get lost. Keep in mind that your wife is sharing all these fruits of capitalism, too, whether she wants to or not.
If you’re one of those guys who just likes to “have” things, you won’t care about all that. But remember, there’s only so much stuff they can shovel into your casket with you. (Being buried in one of your Jags, however, will give you more space for other possessions.)
Next week: how to purge.
 Here’s my dog Coco driving her cigarette boat last summer. Hates vacuums, loves cigarette boats. Go figure. She had a tough puppyhood but hit the dog lottery when I got her off the mean streets. In return she gives me a lot of love and laughs, plus an excuse to tell you three things:
To remove pet urine from carpeting, get after it ASAP. Flush with water, then apply a 50/50 white vinegar/water mixture. Blot dry. If spot remains, apply a solution of ¼ teaspoon dishwashing liquid and one cup water. Blot again. Reapply vinegar solution, let sit for 5 minutes, blot until dry. Tedious but effective. Pet stores also sell enzymatic cleaners, but the home remedy is cheaper.
Fight puppy mills – mass breeding operations which can be a cruel and irresponsible.
If you truly love dogs, please get one from a certified dog rescue facility (find many online), the pound, or the humane society. Don’t be afraid to get a mutt or an older dog. You’ll be richly rewarded in love and karma.
I asked a divorced female friend for her thoughts on what impact housekeeping might have on a relationship. Her response, which she said she thought she could jot down in just a few sentences, turned into a lengthy, face-melting diatribe. Here’s a small but meaningful part of it:
 “A husband (or boyfriend) stops being a fully functioning, sexy, capable adult when he does not voluntarily share in simple household chores. He becomes a child – specifically a son – who must be continually asked, cajoled, bribed, reminded and scolded to do his fair share of the chores. Leaving dirty socks and underwear on the floor, forgetting to replace the empty toilet paper roll, and ignoring requests to take out the garbage, empty the dishwasher or remove clothes from the dryer are just a few of the many everyday tasks which, when left undone, provoke resentment and anger.
“Withholding sex? Absolutely. In the context of housekeeping, a woman can’t and won’t make love to her “son,” and this really erodes a relationship’s foundation.”
Ouch, squared! My hair just burst into flames! After that tirade, any further commentary is unnecessary.
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Summer’s flying by, but there are plenty of picnics, cookouts and family reunions still ahead – complete with overturned plates of burgers and beans, colorful spilled drinks and condiments, and mini-moguls of post-meal trash.
